Off Kilter

My world seems a little off kilter. Nothing serious, mind you, just a series of conditions and events requiring my need to re - equilibrate.

Tonight is an example. I ate a hamburger. I don't do hamburgers. Not only did I eat one, but ate a large one with relish. Not the relish you eat. I thought I would nibble it, perhaps, or eat just half. Instead, I licked my fingers after the last bite.

But first came moving Buddy and Roo's playhouse. After we built our front patio last year, the center of our outdoor activity moved from the back yard to the front - away from the playhouse. When I noticed it had been abandoned, I moved it closer to the front. It continued to just collect spiders. Roo and I agreed we would send it to her house, thinking she would use it there when friends came to play. Once the playhouse was in my daughter's front yard, we discovered both kids had grown too tall to stand up in the little house. A symbol of their toddler years is gone.

And so are the car seats! Both of them. First Billy's a few months ago, then, more recently, Roo's. Both kids use booster seats, now. Buddy's is brown. Roo's is hot pink. I am astonished every time I open the car door. Each time I am reminded that the children are growing up.

And I am growing older, too. My approaching 70th is, alone, enough to throw me off kilter. I have always been comfortable with my age, never keeping it a secret. But seventy? Come on! No denying I am "old" now. If you have reached seventy, you know. If not, let me tell you. That birthday will surely give you pause.

Then a little over a week ago, a family member died. She was just 61. Since she lived in South Carolina, I rarely saw her anymore. In spite of the distance, however, she occupied a large space in my head. She led a difficult life, and I had spent so many years helping manage her affairs that she leaves an emptiness - part relief, part sadness for the tragic life she led, some measure of guilt that I didn't make her life better. But there is also satisfaction that her last two years were better and more independent than earlier ones. And I had finally begun to not dread her calls and to actually enjoy some of them. What goes into her space?

And now my eyes are out of focus. A big pain in the head - literally. The doc says he can fix them with a little laser zap, but not for a month. Meanwhile, I will go around with a fussy view of the world.

Gary has a new chair, the house is cluttered, there is a big tree in my living room, and this week's schedule is a different from my normal routine. My mind is too busy to let me paint with abandon. My studio is messier than usual. I am learning a new computer for the art center.

Yes. Off kilter.